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Kola_boof
AALBC .com Platinum Poster
Username: Kola_boof
Post Number: 4833
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: 
Votes: 4 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, January 16, 2009 - 12:52 am: | 
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Cynique,
I know you're going to HATE this, but
I have to do it.
**BIG SIGH**
Well...you can't fight "to draw blood"
with somebody for 6 years and not feel
"attached" to them in some way.
I heard that you were sick (hospitalized)
or something...and in the last 18 months
I faced an extremely SERIOUS life or death
Health issue myself....
We usually fight like fire and brimstone
and GOD KNOWS we agree on little...
...but setting YEARS of vicious jousting
aside,
I just really want you to know....
...that I have LOVE for you.
It would hurt me very much if you left the
world and didn't know that.
Years ago, you were disgusted when I
cleverly tried to get back at you by
calling you "Mom" and claiming to be
a daughter
...everyone thought it was a riot.
But what made the joke "funny"---was
the tiny element of affection and truth
in it.
I was born...22,000 miles from where
you were born (probably even further).
As a child, I ate deep fried locust for breakfasts and most of my mornings
began by helping my father shoot
crocodiles with a pistol.
He would go in the water and lure
them--I would shoot them.
You and I are different people from
different generations with very strong and
very differing views.
But ONE of the reasons I came
back to the board was to say...
....that to me,
because of 6 years on this board
...we are a type of family, too.
And I admire, respect and have enormous
caring for you.
If you ever needed me...I would come and
help you.
And between all the vitriolic insults
and attacks, it's just very important
to me that you know that.
One of the things that has always driven
my DRAMA and FIRE on this board...was
the overwhelming haint of not feeling
accepted, respected, understood or cared
for by people (You all) that I had chosen
and liked and wanted to break bread with.
Perhaps I'm a big HAM, I guess.
But I am not the scheming, deceptive,
conniving inhuman "demon girl" that
you've MANY TIMES claimed that I am.
I am larger than life, Cynique...because
I hurt VERY DEEPLY
I am taller than everyone--I don't look
like ANYBODY in the bunch--I have foreign beliefs and views that nobody seems to understand....
...and I have many, many battles that other people could never understand.
You say it's "disingenous" for me to
constantly tell people that I LOVE them.
But if you had witnessed your parents
murdered in front of you---then you would
always tell people you love them, too.
Because after you stay all night with the
bodies, Cynique...
...after you realize that they
are "sleeping" and you can hear
their blood seeping back into the earth as though that's where it came from...and after
you realize that the only LOVE you had....
...that everything you ever LOVED has
left you.
....you realize that there's nothing to
lie about; there's nothing to fear but
actual life.
And that there's VERY LITTLE TIME, and
that...you DO in fact love everyone.
No matter who adopts or determines to love
me, Cynique; no matter how many babies I
have...I am perpetually alone in the
world, Cynique.
I am not a "b/itch"---I am ALONE.
Melody Guy, an editor from Random House
met me at Troy's party and she remarked
that I had an American accent...but she
doesn't realize how hard I TRY to sound
like an "African-American"...in order to
be accepted, liked and "listened to" by them.
It's not a character; it's not "fake"
---it's what people who DON'T BELONG do.
Black Americans HATE Africans! Especially
the women of Africa...because it's US who
made them Black (which is the only thing
Black Americans hate more than they hate
us.)
Not only do I not belong, Cynique---but I
also don't want what little I have of my
African-ness; of HOME...destroyed by
Black Americans who don't feel our
blackness is worth anything.
I want "US"...IN ME.
As one of the famous lines from my work
goes: "I want to be like the ocean--becoming
more and more of itself."
I love everything about who we really are.
You're one of my Heroes, Cynique.
And many things you have said on this
board have given me strength...in my
Alone-ness.
I have love for you.
And when I tell people that I "love"
them---it IS genuine.
Even the people I can't stand or have
a grudge against---in secret, I honestly,
honestly...honestly love them.
Because that's the one thing I always
wanted to feel. Loved.
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Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 13323
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, January 16, 2009 - 11:57 am: |
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Yeah, OK, Kola. It seems to me that, as a drama queen, you always took me more seriously than I took you. In fact, you always took me more seriously than I took myself. C'est La Vie. |
Kola_boof
AALBC .com Platinum Poster
Username: Kola_boof
Post Number: 4844
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Friday, January 16, 2009 - 02:57 pm: |
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It seems to me that, as a drama queen, you always took me more seriously than I took you.
Thanks for saying that, Cynique.
I KNOW YOU, so I know that's your way
of saying that you don't hate me; that
you accept me--and
that it's OK for me to be on the porch
with the rest of the kids.
Thank you so much. 
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