| Author | Message | ||
     Femrenoir Newbie Poster Username: Femrenoir Post Number: 2 Registered: 05-2006 Rating: N/A |
Enough I can not suffice it to just say ‘I've had enough’. I've fluffed the pillows of your life until my hands are raw, but still your heart won't thaw; and I am lonely. One day you say I'm your one and only. The next day you won't even answer your phone. I tell myself you do this; because you think I am a queen, and you think you are a drone. . . A queen who is a lethal bee, who'll make your pain grow. Or. . . do you bleed me regularly to feed your ego? There is no peace inside our oneness, or more specifically, outside our oneness. There are times you treat me so well. You are my king and my hero. But this is beginning to smell like a fling, and I must go. The madness of your perceived insecurities grows exponentially in me; as I have insecurities of my own, and you've shown me no mercy. We can't be us anymore. You don't know it, but I'm out the door. I've had enough. (c)Renee Biggers 5/2006 | ||
| Brotha2thanight Newbie Poster Username: Brotha2thanight Post Number: 8 Registered: 12-2005 Rating: N/A |
I love your imagery. o "fluffed the pillows of your life" And the way you tickle my thoughts forcing me to reread and rethink o "There is no peace inside our oneness, or more specifically, outside our oneness" I like your style personally I think it it reads much smoother without the o "There are times you treat me so well. You are my king and my hero. But this is beginning to smell like a fling, and I must go" Just doesn't keep me glued or tuned in like the rest. Overall i really like it and will be reading more of your stuff. I dont respond alot because people usually get into a pattern of only telling you "Your Good" and as a writer sometimes we need real critiques. example: Tell me, What you liked and why Tell me, what you didn't like Give me ideas on what lost it for you, or what would possible REALLY SET IT OFF. Anyway I would love to hear you read it |
