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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata

Post Number: 862
Registered: 08-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 11:22 am:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

My grandmother AND my mother's houses were robbed yesterday. My aunt is having heart trouble over it and my mother is in the hospital. I'm leaving for a little while.

This is the SIXTH FUCKING TIME my grandmother has been robbed in a year. She won't go to a home, but we may have to have her committed to one since she can't take care of herself. She won't allow others to take care of her, so we may have to commit her or something. She's not mentally ill, she's about 75, but she has no backbone and let's people COMPLETELY RUN HER OVER. She knows who's robbing her, but she doesn't want to put "family" in jail, and doesn't want to get upset confronting them. The person she has in control of her "finances" hardly buys her enough food to eat and she's down to maybe 90 pounds (she used to be about 120). When anyone makes a big deal out of it and wants to confront the person about buying her more food, she gets angry at US for trying to "start a fight". She's too afraid to stand up for herself. If that isn't a reason to have her committed, I don't know what is.

I can't make her come with me, but I'm going to get MY mother away from that dump.

If you've ever had to have an elder family committed to a home, please give me some tips on how to do so when the person is against it. I'll read it when I get back, or email to rlinsdale@yahoo.com
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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata

Post Number: 864
Registered: 08-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 11:39 am:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

If yoj know avbout having someone committed in MS or anything about MS law, let me know.

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Yvettep
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Yvettep

Post Number: 959
Registered: 01-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 11:42 am:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

My thoughts are with you, Renata. I know this has to be difficult. I can relate 100% to what you are describing, having experienced very similar situations with 3 family members.

I am not sure of all of your family circumstances, so please forgive me if my advice below is speaking out of turn.

Is there a clergy member your grandmother respects that you could talk to, and possible have them talk to her?

Also, there might be a medical social worker who can do an evaluation (informally or formally).

At the least, I would document everything--as much as you can. If there is anything of value left in the home (even just sentimental) you might think of moving those things out of there for safe keeping.

In one case in my own family, our whole family had a meeting, with my late grandmother present. We discussed all the options, all our concerns, etc. We were especially concerned with her use of the oven/stove and her falling asleep withh lit cigarettes, feeling both might endanger both herself and others.

Ultimately we moved her to an assisted living place, with everyone chipping in so that we could afford it. She was very much against it. I think we convinced her that we would "try it" for a period of time to see if she liked it. Within a few weeks she was having a ball--Most of the other elderly residents were highly functioning (like her) and they had many activities. It was like high school all over!

Anyway, her present weight sounds like a big concern. I think we have a gut negative reaction to what you describe: "having her committed." We did too in our family. At our family meeting one of us put this question to the group:

"If we have her placed against her will and she gets angry with us, could we live with that? If we do not place her against her will, and her condition starts to diminish--or she harms someone else--could we live with that?"

I wish you well as you confront these difficult choices. Take care!
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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata

Post Number: 865
Registered: 08-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 11:43 am:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Pray for me, too, because I'm starting to feel sick myself. My sister, my mother, and my aunt are all physically sick over this. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there.
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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata

Post Number: 866
Registered: 08-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 11:50 am:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Everyone else is thinking about "what if she gets upset". Me and my motjher dont give a FUCK if she gset u[set. She can hate us until she dies, we just wnt her safe. Mostly the mem don't want to put her in ahome because they ahve "thier own lives and their own bills" and don't want to hacve to pitch in for assisted living.

My mother is so anry she said she doesn't even want to be buried in MS. She's coming back with me and giving her home to my sister who still live s there. If she dies while ind Georai, she want s to be cremated HERE.

I can't tell my old hardheaded grandmother what to do. But I'm goign to get MY mother before its oto late.
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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata

Post Number: 867
Registered: 08-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 11:52 am:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

She doen'st go to church. She let's people run her over and doen'st confront people who are doing her wrong and thinks her "niceness" and "courtesy" and "getting along with people" will get her into heave.

What the fuck ever.
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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata

Post Number: 868
Registered: 08-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 11:54 am:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

I used to be that "courteous" type myseldf.

Now you know why I like people like Serenasailor, who can say what's on ihs mind and doesn't wory about trying to be "nice" and diplomatic. I wisj I was more like thta.

I have to go, I really don't feel good.
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Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri

Post Number: 215
Registered: 01-2006

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 12:45 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Ms. Renata - Please contact your Grandmother's aging services agency immediately. They are listed in the govt (blue) pages of your local telephone directory or you can find them online. If she is being starved or neglected they will intervene. And you MUST report this, whoever is overseeing her finances and not caring for her adequately is engaged in elder abuse which is criminal.
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Mzuri
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Mzuri

Post Number: 216
Registered: 01-2006

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 12:47 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

http://www.elderabusecenter.org
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Babygirl
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Babygirl

Post Number: 277
Registered: 04-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 03:08 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

As well, Renata, you need to talk to an attorney or someone at legal aid about acquiring power of attorney over your grandmother's affairs. She may well be unhappy with the situation, but if her personal finances are being used to benefit someone other than her, then you have a serious issue and need to take control.

And let granny get upset, she'll get over it as soon as she realizes that you're trying to protect her interests. At her age, whoever is controlling her situation is someone she probably fears and she isn't willing to admit that which is why she doesn't want any kind of confrontation. But if you allow it to continue, knowing there is a serious problem, and you do nothing, then you can be held just as liable as her abuser. Good luck, and may God's blessings be with you.
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Chrishayden
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Chrishayden

Post Number: 1939
Registered: 03-2004

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 03:59 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Renata:

We went through this with one of my grandmothers.

In order to commit her you are going to have to prove she is incompetent. Lots of luck.

My grandmother was fully competent. She insisted on pursuing this destructive behavior anyway. The one plaguing her was a drug addict nephew. At some point, just like with a dope addict you have to let them hit rock bottom. It was easier for me to say than to hear at the time, believe me.

I remember one time in her house and I pulled a dead rat out from under her radiator that was the size of a squirrel. She just laughed and said it was a squirrel. We got her in a home. She got a "sister" to come get her out.

At a certain point we had to just decide she was not going to take us down with her. The whole thing did kill my father.

There is no easy way out of this and I cannot tell you what to do. None of the choices you have are good ones, you Do what is best for her and if you can't you have to remember that she is a grownup and she can do what she wants to do.

At some point you have to start thinking about yourselves. The whole thing will wind up killing you and what good will you be to her then?

This is the part of life that sucks.
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Serenasailor
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Serenasailor

Post Number: 349
Registered: 01-2006

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 04:27 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Renata, I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother and my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. My mother wants to take in her best friend who is in a terminal hospital for Lou Gerig's Disease(I don't know if I spelled it right)however she is facing some tought decisions.
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Renata
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Renata

Post Number: 870
Registered: 08-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 06:27 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Thanks, everyone. I don't think everything will be made with my decision. My grandmother has over 30 grandchildren, and she seriously believes the oldest son should be in charge over the other children and the grandchildren, regardless of whether he's competent or not. I'll try to see what I can do, but I'm responsible for my own mother, and I'm bringing her back here.

I'll help all I can, but if she doesn't accept my help, she can starve all she wants, but there's no reason I have to let it give my own mother a heart attack.
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Zuriburi
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Zuriburi

Post Number: 102
Registered: 11-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 06:44 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

That's so sad about your grandma Renata.
Family can do each other bad sometimes.
I hope everything works out for you.
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Tonya
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Tonya

Post Number: 2076
Registered: 07-2005

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Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 06:54 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Reneta,

I'd like to offer some guidance but I've never been in a situation even close to this one. I'm the "baby" of the family (pretty much the entire family) therefore I don't get to know about decisions - large or small - until they've already been made ("not fair! not fair! not fair! not fair! y'all always do this shit to me!!!")... which requires alot of therapy, lol. So I can't offer any advice but I do wish you and your family the best.
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Kola
Moderator
Username: Kola

Post Number: 2889
Registered: 02-2005

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Posted on Friday, March 17, 2006 - 09:14 pm:   Delete Post View Post/Check IP Print Post    Ban Poster IP (Moderator/Admin only)

Hi, Renata----I missed this thread.

Do your very best on this.






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