| Author | Message | ||
     Carey AALBC .com Platinum Poster Username: Carey Post Number: 2184 Registered: 05-2004 Rating: N/A |
I 've heard it said that in order to keep something we have to give it away. At times I think I 've motivated others to reach for a higher dream. Yet, I am finding it increasing hard to motivate myself. For the most part, I don't know how to do that. I mean, there's a myriad of things I should be doing - I can list them. However, I lack the inspiration to awaken my will to do anything about them. I lack the spirit to make the quantitative leap from "should do" to "must do". Even if those things that I'd like to move to a higher level of importance may not be paramount to my overall survival, I still believe they 're an essential elements to my quality of life. Unfortunately, when I envision moving on those goals, kicking them into gear, my lover becomes jealous, and consequently tricks me into believing there's no place like home - with her. See, I think it's safe to say that for many of us, a place of comfort and a piece of mind is an illusive dream. For many individuals it seems to be censored and ultimately censured away. It visits, yet it's quickly impeded by the shenanigans of life; some of which are fulfilling, some are necessary, many are tiring. Well, as of late, that has been my story. Comfort has kissed me, she holding me down, yet I believe she's strangling my growth, and therein lies my problem. I am unfortunately loving it. I am clinging to this comfort like a person that has kissed the sky. In my heart I know it's foolish behavior. It's a place of limited challenges and little rewards but I can't seem to find the motivation to turn my lover into a distant lover, a lover to be visited at the right place and at the right time. I don't want this to appear as "the white girl cry" or "poor ol'Carey" because it is not. It is the testimony of a man that cried for comfort and she arrived. It's an open letter to my new lover, telling her and asking her ....if you love me, like I love you, motivate me, set me free. I know my wish is not your command, but if you love me, as I love you ..... As I mentioned, there are many things I should be doing. I should be exercising; I am not getting younger, I am growing older. I should be cultivating my friends, giving something back, but I've lapsed into laziness and stay content in my own space. It's a place that doesn't require much effort and thus I receive little reward. I merely stay comfortable. I 've often said that I am not a writer but I write, I have a blog. The term is derived from web log; a web based log or journal. Just an old journal - right? I wonder if my hesitancy to call myself a writer is a cop-out? I wonder if that's a license for me to dangle a few modifiers and to use non-logical connections between two coordinated statements or to use connections that contradict common sense. It's easier, I don't have to think about it. I don't have to be concerned with proper English. As of late, I 've grown lazy. I can place a comma anywhere I please, or give little thought to where I stick a semi-colon. My love, Miss Comfort, has given me the green light to do whatever I please. Comfort is good every once in a while, but it could be my demise. With blase' leading the way, today I ventured to my blogspot and found a serendipitous reward. Another blogger had posted the passing of a fellow blogger named Nikki. I didn't know her but after reading all the praise of her, I visited her site. Her writing was intoxicating. She was bold and splendidly insightful. She unfolded simple issues into multilayer events. I found something when I went by her house. Read following that I copied from her blog http://iniquitous1.blogspot.com/ It blew me away. "i've found that for me, 'safe' is dangerous.'safe' has a way of starving a life of meaning until it's left a stale skeleton emaciated from a diet of empty memories.i spent over a decade living the 'safe' life, marrying a man who lacked the significance to pose a threat to my heart, but he was the 'good brotha' everyone told me i was supposed to marry.just like i'm hearing now how i'm supposed to take this job in atlanta because it means saving money and living in relative comfort without any personal challenges because seriously, it'd be hard for me to struggle in atlanta. i will always have a place to live, always be able to find affordable housing, and despite my complaints, will always be able to get a date. easy. 'safe' .........i find myself at a crossroads. in the past, when i heard folk say that, i'd be like "what in the •••• does THAT mean?!?"now i know.it is at this moment on my mortal timeline when i am paralyzed, my future forked into prongs of possibilities, my present knifed into shavings of indecision, my past spooned into a bowl of listless existence.this moment when i realize all of the experiences prior to now were merely preparing me for the monumental decision i will soon have to make, the decision which will ultimately determine where my life moves from here" - Nikki, February 11th 2009. I didn't know Nikki but she gave me inspiration and motivation. Her words gave me a better understanding of how precious life is and how short it can be. If I am not moving forward, it's likely I am moving backwards. I wonder if I am a writer or a blogger or aimlessly standing still? Maybe I should retire from the motivation game or find me a new doctor. Self medicating doesn't seem to be working. | ||
| Cynique "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Cynique Post Number: 14021 Registered: 01-2004 Rating: N/A |
Nikki's metaphors are exquisite, her angst palpable.(Here is a woman with demons, albeit not "intrinsic" ones, since people are not naturally possessed) What did Nikki die from? She sounded like a tortured soul yearning for the release that suicide might provide. Was her psyche fractured by crack???? She certainly invoked empathy. You, Carey, sound like you are in an oppressive relationship. You need to be paired up with a woman who can "hug you with her arms open". You feel you are lacking motivation and inspiration. Motivation comes from within. Inspiration materializes out of the ethereal world and takes the form of a Muse. Maybe you should take up meditation. | ||
| Carey AALBC .com Platinum Poster Username: Carey Post Number: 2185 Registered: 05-2004 Rating: N/A |
Great insight, Cynique. I 've had many discussion on the roots of motivation. I agree, it comes from within. Yet, a deeper question is, if a person lacks motivation or lost it, and it starts "within", where do they go to get it, or retrieve it? I believe someone said Nikki had some type of lung problems. I don't know anything about her personal life. I was captured by her words and the outpouring of praise from fellow bloggers. I'd never seen anything like it. She was loved by many and they let others know that she was a talented friend that wrote with humor and fearlessness. One of her posts talked about becoming to big or popular as a blogger. The title of that post was something like "are my panties too tight". She spoke of distubing feeling of having to constantly edit her posts. She was a ferocious blogger, and at times a furious blogger. One year she logged 231 posts. Because of declining health, this year she wrote only 3. | ||
| Libralind2 AALBC .com Platinum Poster Username: Libralind2 Post Number: 1239 Registered: 09-2004 Rating: N/A |
What happened to that show you were going to be on..? The follow a writer..I think..? | ||
| Carey AALBC .com Platinum Poster Username: Carey Post Number: 2197 Registered: 05-2004 Rating: N/A |
Good question LiLi. As you pointed out, the guy behind that show is.... well, shady. For instance, I flew to New Orleans to meet with the guy. Okay, the next morning when I went to meet him at his hotel they said he'd canceled his reservation - WHAT! Anyway, his "reality show" turned out to be paid blocks of time on obscure stations. It gets better. The time slots were something like 6am Sunday mornings - WHAT! It gets better. Before the "shows" were to air, he wanted the "cast" to help promote other artists, like rappers and other authors. Anyway, that was a learning experience. It was fun, it was a journey, and I love adventure. That book is closed. | ||
| Chrishayden "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Chrishayden Post Number: 8165 Registered: 03-2004 Rating: |
Carey: It's nothing that a little bourbon and soda won't fix. | ||
| Chrishayden "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Chrishayden Post Number: 8168 Registered: 03-2004 Rating: N/A |
This ought to lift your spirits http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nuOWuhWNmI | ||
| Carey AALBC .com Platinum Poster Username: Carey Post Number: 2204 Registered: 05-2004 Rating: N/A |
Bourbon and soda will fix me a seat at the jailhouse steps. It might not happen today or next week but in time, I'd find myself in a heap of trouble. | ||
| Chrishayden "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Chrishayden Post Number: 8171 Registered: 03-2004 Rating: N/A |
Bourbon and soda will fix me a seat at the jailhouse steps. It might not happen today or next week but in time, I'd find myself in a heap of trouble. (What a drag. I tell ya what. Go to a strip club. Drink club soda. Get a little session back in the VIP lounge. Or get you a 18 year old girlfriend. That's what I did one time. Why my life was so miserable after that I forgot about all th stuff I had been pining about before... | ||
| Chrishayden "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Chrishayden Post Number: 8172 Registered: 03-2004 Rating: N/A |
All you need is some ACTION! Cain't nobody be with you. You too set in your ways. A sybaritic, all night bout of marathon sex with three women. | ||
| Carey AALBC .com Platinum Poster Username: Carey Post Number: 2207 Registered: 05-2004 Rating: N/A |
Lets see, an 18 year old girlfriend ...a little session back in the VIP lounge ....and club soda. I have to think on that one. I might need more than club soda. | ||
| Chrishayden "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Chrishayden Post Number: 8177 Registered: 03-2004 Rating: N/A |
THAT'S the Spirit. Feed the Material Man. |
