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Sese
Newbie Poster
Username: Sese
Post Number: 9
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 07:16 am: | 
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Delusions
copyright 2002
Entering some of the women carried their fragile frames wirh feigned aglity, others peering over eyeglasses hobbled or glided with walkers. Their cheerful greetings belied the physical limitations of gravity's reshaped bodies, camouflaged by yesteryear's ill fitting styles and thinned gray hair colored to deny years passed.
Seated at a circular table facing each other, they introduced themselves and eased into a litany of physical laments that continued throughout the luncheon. Their drooped jowls accented puffy, bespectacled eyes that followed stiff, swollen, manicured fingers over the menu. The food came and was delivered with shaky hands to their dentured mouths.
to be continued |
Sese
Newbie Poster
Username: Sese
Post Number: 10
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 07:48 am: |
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Thankfully time's passage had not affected me as it did them. I didn't look, think or act like them I thought surveying the women around the table. My hair was still lustrous and full, complexion flawless, my firm lithe body unaffected by gravity or disfiguring ailments. My doctor's diagnosis, real or imagined did not center my universe. Instead the universe, its challenges and wonders centered, invigorated and sustained my youth. Unable to relate to the women, I excused myself from the group.
Entering the women's lounge with a furtive glance into the full-length mirror, I noticed that a stopped woman with a shuffling gait had followed me from the table. Entering then exiting a stall I obsereved that, except for me the lounge was completly vacant. Dismissing the woman from my thought, I washed my firm, soft hands and fumbled in my purse for comb and make-up. I raised my face to the mirror and to my surprise the woman had reappeared. Speechless we looked at each other with faint smiles as I began to comb my thick, off black, shoulder length hair. As if mimicking me, she too combed her thinned colored hair with stiff hands. As I freshened the make-up on my firm smooth face, she too freshened hers with special attention to the puffy eyes and less than firm skin. Quizzically we continued to stare at each other while silently returning the combs and make-up to our purses. to be continued |
Sese
Newbie Poster
Username: Sese
Post Number: 11
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 08:29 am: |
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Abruptly she straightened her shoulders and lifted her chest. I mimicked her. She moved toward the door with a shuffling gate. Again I mimicked her. At the door I reached and held it open for the woman to exit, when she didn't I looked around for her, but again she had vanished. Bewildered, I wonder where she could have gone. Perplexed, I shrugged my shoulders, shuffled to the table and rejoined the women.
The end of the first post should read: The food came and was delivered with shaky hands to their denture fitted mouths.
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Sese
Newbie Poster
Username: Sese
Post Number: 12
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 08:41 am: |
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Cynique and Others: Please overlook errors, just noticed that agility is mispelled. Sorry I had to post in segments. Hope that you enjoy and look forward to your feedback. |
Kola_boof
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Kola_boof
Post Number: 210
Registered: 02-2005
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 09:34 am: |
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Hi Sese.
Very good writing.
__________
One bad thing:
You shouldn't have the word "entering" a total of 3 times in the first two paragraphs. It's called "repetition" and will bog down your prose with staleness.
You want each paragraph to be an island of its own, totally removed YET LINKED to the last one.
Another observation:
There should be more leading to/focusing around the "diagnosis". You want it to be compelling.
When a book first opens---it should GET TO THE STORY either by (a) making us aware of what's going on or (b) making us ask so many questions as to what's going on---we just have to keep reading to find out (you did "b", partially, but not good enough).
"IF"...and I mean "IF" this mysterious OTHER woman appearing and reappearing is supposed to be a metaphor for some younger, more vibrant half of the nameless lead character--then you have to work a little better on setting up your "mysticism". Simply mimicking the other woman doesn't tell us anything really (age 55 trying to keep up with age 46?)--especially since the Lead returns to the table with the other elders without any "footnote" to the incident.
Then again the mystery lady could be another soldier fighting old age??? Nothing was said with it, and since this is the beginning of the story and only YOU KNOW where it's going---you have to write your story as though you're a reader and don't know anything.
The diagnosis (real or imagined) was a brilliant dilemna to start with (because of your injection of the words "real or imagined")--but you've got 4 paragraphs up there and out of all those words, all we really have are two things:
(1) Painstaking descriptions of being "old".
(2) A nameless lead character who has been diagnosed with something and is fighting the aging process.
___________
This could be a really GREAT story. There are so many places you can take this thing.
But you have to make a conscious effort to have less "filler" in your paragraphs.
You need more prose that entices us into understanding whatever the STORY, not theme, but STORY is going to be. And if you're not going to tell us what the character's name is, then you need to (a) tell us what city/state she's in (b) HINT that she's in either heaven or hell and may be dead already (c) HINT that she's not only old but lost the man she loved, was abandoned by him or her children---or is made to feel like a burden by her children---OR is fucking a college boy (her grandson's best friend) and feels the diagnosis is payback for that.
You have a good set up for a lot of philosophical derring-do.
I like your writing overall. You could really make something out of it....if you don't let yourself fall into that novice area of being "afraid to tell the story". Beating around the bush, etc.
With "good" writing---you have to dive right in, sketching the picture, telling the story, establishing a "Hook" and evoking a certain point of view or multiple ones.
juss my 2 cents
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Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 2196
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 12:46 pm: |
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Sese, I liked how you took the reader into your confidence with your conversational tone. There were no literary barriers between you and who you were speaking to. It was a one-on-one approach that established a connection. I also liked that you let the reader draw her own conclusions. No explanation via of a shocked realization on the part of the narrator. Just a reaffirmation of dignity, tempered by the sadness of delusion. It was a poignant testament of the foibles of growing old, and a 3-dimensional portrait of a sympathetic character. And, by not strictly adhering to technicalities, your writing style retained its personality. BTW, there was almost a poetic tone to this monologue, reminiscent of T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Arthur Prufrock." A thumbs up from me. |
Sese
Newbie Poster
Username: Sese
Post Number: 13
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 02:40 pm: |
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Cynique: As you have alluded to before, its a generational thing. We are on the same page, you understood the short, short story form. Of course I could not have analyzed it as well as you did. |
Sese
Newbie Poster
Username: Sese
Post Number: 14
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 - 03:48 pm: |
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Kola: Thanks for the feedback, it is very much appreciated.
To expand the story to include the elements that you suggested would move it into the realm of a short story (8,000 or minus wds) or a novel (30,000+ wds). The story was written as a short, short (500 or less wds) with a beginning, middle and end. The short, short and flash fiction (1,500 or less wds) are my preferred formats for story telling and according to my research the most difficult to write. Rarely a short story, trying to place one now of 5,000 wds.
As you know when trying to get published in these small presses/literary magazines, word count is important. From my expeerience 4,000wds is the limit
Agree with you about the excessive use of "enter" did not notice it until this morning while typing, did not try to correct because wanted to type the story as published.
Again thanks!!! |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 2380
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 27, 2005 - 10:53 am: |
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Sese,
Your start is SLOW. The reader should get a sense of what the stories going to be about within the very first few sentences. I don’t think you provide that.
Use more of an active voice whenever/wherever possible. For example, replace "Seated at a circular table...” with "They sat at a table...”
And if you’re going to use lots of modifiers, which you appear to do, jazz them up. Make them more specific, provocative, ironic...even nonsensical. Trade "my firm lithe body unaffected by gravity” for "I still got my Hubba Bubba bootay”.
There’s some excess verbiage too. Replace "I excused myself from the group...Entering the women's lounge with a furtive glance into the full-length mirror...” with a more efficient "I escaped to the restroom...As I peeked into the mirror,...”
Some if it appears confusing either because there are misplaced modifiers or possible diction miscues: "...others peering over eyeglasses hobbled or glided with walkers.” Were the ‘eyeglasses’ "hobbled”...or were the ‘women’ "hobbled”?
Limit the frequency by which you begin paragraphs with modifying words, phrases and clauses. They delay your getting to the substance of your text while providing limited added benefit. And if this is going to be a short story or novella, it’s probably best you attempt to get to the heart of matters ASAP.
"I washed my firm, soft hands...”
"My hair was still lustrous and full...”
"...complexion flawless...”
"...my firm lithe body unaffected by gravity or disfiguring ailments.”
"As I freshened the make-up on my firm smooth face...”
Okay. Okay. You’ve convinced us. She’s a 70-year-old ‘hotchick’ that guys half her age would want to bone. But enough with the bragging, already!
It's BORING to observe the protagonist effusively praise herself (No matter how FIONE she is.). And it appear unseemly (especially when she/he does so partly via disparaging others.).
And ny belaboring the relative ‘beauty’ of your lead character, you risk causing many of your readers to resent/begrudge what’s otherwise suppose to be the chief selling point of your story.
If you want to accentuate some positive attributes of your characters, it’s probably best that someone OTHER than the character him/herself does so (e.g., third person narrator, admiring men, jealous/gossipy women, etc.). Or if the character is going to brag, she should be subtle, humorous, self-deprecating or ironic about it.
I also have some questions. They aren’t criticism, but rather queries that come to my mind as I read you’re your posts:
Why and how has she managed to remain so fit? This seems an essential part of who she is. (I hoped this be better explained than via citing some ‘universal order’ tripe.)
And will her fitness/vigor be a crucial element in the story? (Is there a May-December romance in the offing?)
Why does she visit amongst women who’re so dissimilar to her, especially since she appears to have such disdain for their company?
I can’t understand why she would suddenly proceed to mimic the beauty regimen of a woman she does NOT know, especially since she was initially bemused by that person...and the woman isn’t nearly as pretty as her. I’m intrigued that she would do that.
Is that some kinda chick thing that guys don’t understand?
I hope you don’t consider the above to be a hatchet job. That's not AT ALL what I intend.
Taken in full, it should be clear that all I’m really suggesting is that you get to the story as quickly, clearly, uniquely and economically as possible.
And even though I’ve said and asked ALL the above, I agree that if this story is headed in a direction it appears to be going, it could be GREAT.
I look forward to reading more. So keep writing, Sese!  |
Cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Cynique
Post Number: 2203
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 27, 2005 - 11:31 am: |
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You completely missed the point, ABM. The woman telling the story was really the old woman. She was "deluded" into thinking she still looked young. This is the technique used in writing a short-short story. The hook is at the end of the story. |
Abm
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: Abm
Post Number: 2386
Registered: 04-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Wednesday, April 27, 2005 - 11:37 am: |
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Cynique,
Haha! Oh well. You got me.
I guess I'm not THAT 'deep'. |
Sese
Newbie Poster
Username: Sese
Post Number: 15
Registered: 05-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, May 01, 2005 - 04:54 am: |
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Cynique: Although not a poetry enthusiast, read Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Arthur Purfrock," and agree that Purfrock and Delusions reflect an emptiness that is sympathetic. Don't want to say much here and display ignorance caused by a nonexistent appreciation of poetry. However it was intereting to note Eliot's reference to sawdust floors and oysters, phrasses that I used in another story and Sunset (I think) the title of another short, short-story about aging. On another note Eliot's "Hysteria" is a short, short-story and not a poem.
Obviously you are extremely well read and creative, your post are informed, informative and incisive.
Thanks for clarifying the story for ABM. |
cynique
"Cyniquian" Level Poster
Username: cynique
Post Number: 2223
Registered: 01-2004
Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!) | | Posted on Sunday, May 01, 2005 - 04:15 pm: |
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Actually, SeSe, my comparing your short-short to Eliot's free verse was prompted by how they were both narratives. But both pieces did kind of have wistful undertones. And I am really not that literary. I just try to be conversant on a lot of subjects. |
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