| Author | Message | ||
     Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1268 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: |
Hello Everyone! I want to share with you some very important news. I'm writing a brand new book entitled "How To Pretend You Have A Boyfriend (Without Anyone Discovering That You're A Complete Loser)" and I'm posting a brief outline here for all my forum sisters who either don't have a boyfriend, have been dismissed, hate Black men, or who would like to know the latest techniques of pretending that you have a pretend boyfriend - without getting caught. It can also be used by lesbians who haven't told anyone their secret yet. 1. First, go onto the internet and snag a picture of a good-looking Black guy that you've never met before in your life and who probably wouldn't give you the time of day. Find somebody that's a real nobody so that he's not recognizable and so that you don't get busted. Nothing's more embarrassing than everyone knowing that your boyfriend is pretend. It happened to someone I know once and she almost died. She tried to make up all sorts of stories to weasel her way out of it, but alas, no one believed her. 2. Try to find a good quality high resolution image. Enlarge them to 8 x 10 or 5 x 7. Print a couple of the images out and frame them. Color images are preferred but black and white ones will do nicely. 3. Place one on your desk at work so that all your co-workers will envy you. Position it at an angle where passersby are sure to see it. Stare at it while you're supposed to be working so that everyone thinks you're really in love. Don't go out to lunch but bring your lunch to work instead so that you can stare at his picture while you are eating. 4. Talk on the phone and pretend that it's him on the other line. Call government agencies like the IRS and FEMA. You'll be on hold long enough to carry on an entire conversation before anyone picks up the line. Say his name with conviction repeatedly and tell him that you love him. Make sure everyone hears you. 5. Place the other picture in your boudoir next to your bed. Look at it while you fall asleep at night while you pretend that someone loves you. Look at it while you're getting busy with your vibrator and pretending that it's him. 6. Post the picture to your favorite discussion forum so that all your forum friends will think you have a new man in your life. Make up elaborate stories about how he took you out to the Catalina Island on his executive yacht, drank champagne from your shoe, and any other romantic scenarios that will make the other female posters envious and jealous of you. Nothing makes forum bitches more jealous than to think you have a boyfriend. 7. Concoct a complete and detailed life story for your pretend boyfriend. Say that he is an executive CEO, VIP or movie producer. For a major studio like Warner Brothers or Paramount. An oil tycoon. Owns his own airline. Make him seem important - and wealthy. Talk about how nice he is, but temperamental. Doesn't talk after the wheels got stolen off his car. Things like that. 8. Brag about how he calls you morning, noon and night - because he's so totally in love and enthralled with you. And he says that he can't live without you. Can't stand the thought of being away from you. Have your girlfriends call you at work and pretend it's him. Your pretend boyfriend should be needy and clingy. The needier and clingier the better. Your pretend boyfriend must seem completely devoted. 9. Send yourself flowers with cards signed by him. Roses are so romantic and make a girl feel like a real woman. Send yourself at least two dozen roses every week. It's expensive but so worth it. Everyone must think that your pretend boyfriend will spare no expense to make you happy.    10. Take his picture into your powder room and stare at it while you soak in long hot bubble baths. Be sure to put plenty of bath oils into the water so that your skin will be moisturized and your ass won't be ashy. Nothing can spoil a romantic moment faster than an ashy, crusty stinky ass. You must be perfectly groomed at all times. In case your pretend boyfriend drops by for the pretend booty call. 11. Develop and enhance your personality. Try to be more charming, alluring and work on your pleasantries so that in case you should meet a real man he will be more likely to be attracted to you. You don't want to be standoffish - you must be warm and inviting to capture the affections of the man of your dreams. 12. Once you meet a real live boyfriend, use the pretend boyfriend to make yourself seem more desirable. Nothing is more challenging for a man than having some competition. Once you have given your real life boyfriend plenty of opposition from the pretend boyfriend, make yourself completely available for some real love. One of the greatest benefits of having a pretend, make-believe, nonexistent boyfriend is that he is really easy to get rid of. Simply discard his pictures and tell everyone you don't want to talk about him and he's completely gone. I'll post more later. Please feel free to add your own tips on how to pretend you have a pretend boyfriend. | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1270 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: |
13. Buy yourself a pretend diamond ring. Pretend that it's an engagement ring from your pretend boyfriend. | ||
| Prettybabygirl "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Prettybabygirl Post Number: 451 Registered: 04-2005 Rating: |
You are positively PSYCHO. LOL!!! Kola has a boyfriend, Mzuri, she just used somebody else's picture to taunt you. But she does have a boyfriend. My cousin in Newport Beach had lunch with them. But go ahead and ride Kola's clit like the crazed lesbo you are. LMAO!!!  | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1273 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: |
PBG - Add your tips on How To Pretend You Have A Pretend Boyfriend or move the fuck out. This thread is for the readers enjoyment. It's not about your bitch Kola. Thank you. | ||
| Moonsigns "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Moonsigns Post Number: 1307 Registered: 07-2004 Rating: |
Mzuri, You're so damn funny!!!!!!!! | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1281 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: |
Thank You MoonSigns. I'm glad you get my humor. Although the impetus of my book is the recent episode with you know who, it really is timely since many of the ladies here complain about how they can't get a man. How To Pretend You Have A Pretend Boyfriend (Without Anyone Discovering That You're A Complete Loser) Tip Number: 14. Buy yourself a complete ensemble of pretend diamond jewelry to match your pretend diamond engagement ring. Switch it out each day and create different combinations so that everyone thinks your pretend boyfriend has spent a ton of money to drench you in expensive jewels. | ||
| Urban_scribe Veteran Poster Username: Urban_scribe Post Number: 67 Registered: 05-2006 Rating: |
One of the greatest benefits of having a pretend, make-believe, nonexistent boyfriend is that he is really easy to get rid of. Mzuri, that's priceless! Thanks for kicking my day off with a good laugh. | ||
| Dagosauce Newbie Poster Username: Dagosauce Post Number: 2 Registered: 06-2006 Rating: |
15. File a restraining order against former fake boyfriend to convince everyone that he is stalker-crazy in love with you still. | ||
| Aurora Newbie Poster Username: Aurora Post Number: 18 Registered: 04-2006 Rating: |
16. Pretend you are going to meet your fake boyfriend's pretend parents. | ||
| Abm "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Abm Post Number: 5778 Registered: 04-2004 Rating: |
17. Elicit feverously contentious rebuttals from other foks who apparently ain't got more interesting shyt to do. | ||
| Aurora Newbie Poster Username: Aurora Post Number: 19 Registered: 04-2006 Rating: |
18. Pretend that your pretend boyfriend has pretend children and they call you "Mom" | ||
| Aurora Newbie Poster Username: Aurora Post Number: 20 Registered: 04-2006 Rating: |
19. Pretend you're pregnant. | ||
| Dagosauce Newbie Poster Username: Dagosauce Post Number: 4 Registered: 06-2006 Rating: |
20. Rent a Mercedes-Benz CLK-430 Cabriolet convertible for the weekend and show off your ghost-mans ride. heres some help: http://luxrentals.com/mercedes_430.asp | ||
| Va_sis "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Va_sis Post Number: 105 Registered: 02-2004 Rating: |
Mzuri, this is some classic stuff, girl!!!! Tooo funny! | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1284 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: |
 21. After you've had a pretend miscarriage of your pretend pregnancy, pretend that your pretend boyfriend took you on a pretend recuperative cruise. | ||
| Robynmarie AALBC .com Platinum Poster Username: Robynmarie Post Number: 98 Registered: 04-2006 Rating: |
22. Ask your pretend man what his made-up credit score is so you can buy a make-believe house. | ||
| Jmho "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Jmho Post Number: 163 Registered: 03-2004 Rating: |
This has to be the funniest thread that I have read on the board in months. | ||
| Schakspir "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Schakspir Post Number: 459 Registered: 12-2005 Rating: |
23. Write several unreadable books and articles and poems about pretend boyfriends and/or captors and dedicate them to same. 24. Create a entire "identity" around having been the pretend mistress of a pretend "terrorist". | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1286 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: N/A |
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| Cynique "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Cynique Post Number: 4876 Registered: 01-2004 Rating: |
Go on Oprah's show and share with her awe-struck audience how your pretend boyfriend has helped you to learn to love yourself. | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1287 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: |
26. Call up the radio station and ask them to dedicate your favorite lovesong to your pretend boyfriend. Ask the DJ to announce to the world what a super guy he is and how much the two of you are crazy in love. | ||
| Dagosauce Newbie Poster Username: Dagosauce Post Number: 5 Registered: 06-2006 Rating: N/A |
26 A. **NOTE** Do not actually dedicate "Crazy in Love" as this song is performed by a non pure, slave master trained, high yellow mulatto and you would have to deny the dedication. | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1289 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: N/A |
27. When your girlfriends call you at home tell them that you can't talk now because "he's" over. Whisper and giggle and hang up abruptly. | ||
| Maze Newbie Poster Username: Maze Post Number: 2 Registered: 08-2006 Rating: |
28. Put on your $2 Korean braid wig and tell your monkey ass kids to pretend they are fathered by your pretend boyfriend so you can get a food stamp credit card to prove you are an authentic black bush-negress NAME COLA.  Maze in the house! Let's get this party started! | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1290 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: |
Hi Maze! Welcome to the forum. But no racial slurs please. Let's keep things civil on the How To Pretend You Have A Pretend Boyfriend (Without Anyone Discovering That You're A Complete Loser) thread. Thank you. 29. Pretend you had an argument with your pretend boyfriend and pout and sulk all day. Around lunchtime, pretend you're sick and tell your boss that you're not feeling well so that he will give you the rest of the day off. You should derive some benefits from having a pretend boyfriend. | ||
| Cynique "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Cynique Post Number: 4878 Registered: 01-2004 Rating: |
Are you Kola, Maze? You sound like a character who popped out of the top of her head, making an appearance to stir things up; a pretend antagonist. heh-heh. | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1292 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: N/A |
Maze is cute. She uses three elipses just like Kola, but I'm sure she's not her. Kola wouldn't stoop so low as to disguise herself yet again just to disrupt the How To Pretend You Have A Pretend Boyfriend (Without Anyone Discovering That You're A Complete Loser) thread. 30. Next day. Just say "fuck it" and call in sick. That good for nothing pretend boyfriend has given you a headache that just won't quit and you deserve to have an entire day off from work. Spend the day thinking up new methods of pretending you have a pretend boyfriend while eating bonbons, watching TV and giving yourself a pedicure. | ||
| Maze Newbie Poster Username: Maze Post Number: 3 Registered: 08-2006 Rating: N/A |
Why is this dame asking me if I'm Kola?  Hell no I am not some man-faced African bootyscratcher who think she's God and everybody has to bow to her stank crusty ass. That was my whole point Cola-Clone Cynique. Mzuri, pass the munchables. | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1293 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: N/A |
    31. The day after that. Order yourself a dozen roses and a huge box of Godiva chocolates to be sent to your office and pretend you made up. Tell everyone that your pretend boyfriend has apologized profusely for being an idiot and that he begged you to give him another chance. | ||
| Cynique "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Cynique Post Number: 4881 Registered: 01-2004 Rating: N/A |
Yep. Maze is Kola. You, mzuri, of all people should be on to Kola by now. Her many-faceted posts read like perfect dialogue, the kind you'd find in TV scripts. LOL 32. Invent a "pretend" friend so you can confide to your co-workers how you invited her to participate in a menage a trois with you and your pretend boyfriend. | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1299 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: |
Menage. A. Trois??? Oh. My. God!  | ||
| Maze Newbie Poster Username: Maze Post Number: 9 Registered: 08-2006 Rating: N/A |
Fuck you too cynique! Your mother is Kola Boof.  I'm not no black racist lying ass bootyscratcher who looks like Dennis Rodman with a wig on. It's chicks like you who need to mind your business. | ||
| Cynique "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Cynique Post Number: 4892 Registered: 01-2004 Rating: N/A |
LMAO. | ||
| Mzuri "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Mzuri Post Number: 1300 Registered: 01-2006 Rating: N/A |
MAZE - There will be NO CURSING AT CYNIQUE on the How To Pretend You Have A Pretend Boyfriend thread please. She is our eldest forum member and I expect you to respect her. Thank you. 33. Hire a male escort (a real escort not one of those male prostitute types) that fits your pretend boyfriend's general description and do the night on the town thing. Hire a limo and go everywhere so that you are sure to be seen by everyone. Wear something super skimpy and seductive and do things like grind him on the dance floor, in order to give everyone something to gossip about. | ||
| Cynique "Cyniquian" Level Poster Username: Cynique Post Number: 4897 Registered: 01-2004 Rating: |
Knock yourself out, Maze. I don't take you seriously. 34. Invent a pretend man to seduce your pretend boyfriend and then brag to your friends how you rescued your pretend boyfriend from the down low life style. |
